The purpose of marriage and family
I first want to acknowledge that family is complicated, it can be one of the greatest sources of joy, love, fulfillment, and peace, but can also be associated with deep pain, sorrow, and grief. Like the great gift of our free agency, family is a gift from God that has the potential for promoting joy or sorrow in our lives. God loves us and trusts us to experience agency and family; and both play critical roles in our spiritual progression in striving to become like our Heavenly Parents and finding lasting joy and happiness.
Happiness, however, can be an elusive objective. Eleanor Roosevelt said, “Happiness is not a goal...it's a by-product of a life well lived.” Nate Bagley, a relationship researcher of the Gottman Institute, wrote this statement that really struck me, “The point of marriage is not happiness. The point of marriage is growth.”
If we look for the purpose of marriage in the Family Proclamation, we read “marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and…the family is central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children.”
And what is our eternal destiny? Immortality and eternal life, exaltation, and eternal progression. In other words, growing together forever. So if the purpose of marriage is progress and growth together, with happiness as one of the many wonderful fruits of a healthy, loving relationship, then how is this growth accomplished?
President Ezra Taft Benson taught, “The goal of marriage is unity and oneness, as well as self-development. Paradoxically, the more we serve one another, the greater is our spiritual and emotional growth.” Service and sacrifice in marriage are key to our growth, but as Pres. Benson noted, self-development is also critical.
Dr. David Schnarch, a well-known couples therapist and clinical psychologist, defines marriage as a People Growing Machine. He describes how in committed marriage relationships, we should not be surprised that there will be times of discomfort; when we reach a level of intimacy that has overwhelmed our developmental capacity to handle intimacy. These times are not evidence that our marriage is not working, rather that it is working — it’s showing us where we need to grow, what we need to confront in ourselves, where we need to heal.
Elder L. Clayton Whitney said, “…no other relationship of any kind can bring as much joy, generate as much good, or produce as much personal refinement.”
I once heard a marriage counselor explain this idea which may seem somewhat counterintuitive. She said that couples who have a high tolerance for discord are less likely to stay together in the long run, while those who have a low tolerance are more likely to make it.
This principle aligns with this teaching from Pres. Uchtdorf. He said, “The difference between happiness and misery in individuals, in marriages, and families often comes down to an error of only a few degrees… It is therefore of critical importance that we become self-disciplined enough to make early and decisive corrections to get back on the right track and not wait or hope that errors will somehow correct themselves.”
I have repeatedly hit many of my own developmental limits, my own walls and shortcomings, in the dynamic relationship of our marriage. And thankfully I’ve had a faithful, patient, wise, loving, and spiritual partner in Erin to see me through these humbling, vulnerable times. As I have opened up to her, she has often guided me through them and pointed me to Christ to find the growth and healing I’ve needed. And in her times of growth, I’ve been able to be there for her in similar ways. In this process, our marriage has been strengthened, our capacity to feel a deeper, fuller level of happiness and joy have increased.
Inevitably, we’ll hit another barrier and face that same choice: do we try to run or hide from this, ignore or distract ourselves from it, or do we choose to face ourselves, open up to each other and go to the next level of growth and intimacy.
It is never easy to confront these barriers, to be vulnerable, to reveal our weakness that our spouse is probably already aware of, but the healing and deep feeling of love and intimacy that come from going there with a trustworthy spouse are so worth it.
One of the most profound aspects of the marriage relationship is what it teaches us about love. It is in marriage that we have the opportunity to see our spouse and be seen so completely, flaws and all, to know someone and be known so intimately, and to serve, sacrifice, love and be loved so fully. This love approaches the kind of unconditional love that Christ has for us — he who sees us completely, knows us completely, and still loves us perfectly.
As if all of that weren’t enough for our growth and progression, we then add children to the equation. The love we feel for each other is somehow magnified, purified, deepened, in sharing that love with our little ones. The love we feel for our children is unique, powerful, profound, and yoked with selflessness and sacrifice. That sacred moment when a child is born, takes his or her first breaths, is first held in our arms…there’s nothing like it. It shows us, in small degree, what kind of love our Heavenly Parents have for us.
Of course with children comes additional responsibility and opportunities for growth — here are a few words of guidance and instruction for parents found in the scriptures:
Train up a child in the way he should go, Prov. 22:6
Bring them up in the nurture of the Lord, Eph. 6:1–4
If any provide not for his own, he hath denied the faith, 1 Tim. 5:8.
We talk of Christ that our children may know to what source they may look for a remission of their sins, 2 Ne. 25:26.
Teach them to love one another and to serve one another, Mosiah 4:14–15.
Ye shall defend your families Alma 43:47
Pray in your families that your wives and your children may be blessed, 3 Ne. 18:21.
cTeach them to understand the ddoctrine of repentance, faith in Christ…and of baptism and the gift of the Holy Ghost D&C 68:25.
Bring up your children in light and truth, D&C 93:40.
Children are also instructed by the scriptures to honor their parents Ex. 20:12, hear their instruction Prov. 1:8, and obey them in the Lord, Eph. 6:1.
As for our personal development as parents, our weaknesses and underdevelopment are exposed all over again in new, unexpected ways. Our kids have a way of showing us our weakness unlike anyone or anything else in our lives. I remember when I was a younger father living in New York, a mother stood up in testimony meeting and said something like, “I always felt that I was a patient person, that this was a strength of mine. Then I had 6 kids.” She went on to describe how she had been truly tested and had opportunities to actually develop these attributes — to become, not assume or hypothesize.
Lynn G. Robbins delivered a conference talk at a time in our lives when we were experiencing firsthand some of the challenges that come when a firstborn’s life is disrupted by the introduction of a second child in the family. We were sleep-deprived, bewildered, frustrated, and sometimes overwhelmed. It felt like Elder Robbins spoke directly to us when he said,
“A sweet and obedient child will enroll a father or mother only in Parenting 101. If you are blessed with a child who tests your patience to the nth degree, you will be enrolled in Parenting 505. Rather than wonder what you might have done wrong in the premortal life to be so deserving, you might consider the more challenging child a blessing and opportunity to become more godlike yourself. With which child will your patience, long-suffering, and other Christlike virtues most likely be tested, developed, and refined? Could it be possible that you need this child as much as this child needs you?”
Some time ago, I recall having a terrible night’s sleep due to restless children on a Saturday night. I acted harshly in the morning trying to get ready for church and by the time we got to sacrament meeting, there was a dark storm cloud hanging over my head. I was angry but I was also sad, because I felt like I was really struggling, even failing, at fatherhood.
Between meetings, a wonderful sister named Jessie approached me out of the blue and without even saying hello or how are you, she just looked me in the eyes and said, “you are a good dad.” I was stunned by her words. While I wasn’t feeling like a good dad—and felt I had some very recent evidence to prove her wrong—deep down, something stirred in me. Her words challenged a lie, that false belief that was trying to take root in my heart, that I was getting it all wrong. And what danger there is in believing these lies that the adversary tries to plant in our hearts and minds.
If I believe I am a short-tempered, easily triggered, angry parent who just can’t deal with this right now, that is how I will act. If someone believes they are bad, broken, unworthy, not enough, etc. they are more likely to act on those beliefs and cause themselves and others harm. But if we can identify those false beliefs and then replace them with light and truth, the “darkness comprehends it not,” and we begin to heal. Our beliefs change, our behavior changes, we change. That is repentance which is directly tied to our growth. We get a fresh view about ourselves, about God, and about the world.
Jessie, under the influence of the Spirit, shone a light on my false belief by speaking a truth to me that I needed to hear in that moment. I became aware of a false belief that I felt I was failing at fatherhood because I wasn’t doing it perfectly. Another inspired, dear friend named Emily once shared this comment in a Sunday school lesson and it has forever stuck with me, “I can’t show my kids how to be perfect, but I can show them how to repent.”
Some of the most bonding and healing moments I’ve had with my children are when I’ve admitted to them that I handled something poorly and wish I could have done better and asked for their forgiveness. I’m so grateful for the opportunity to repent and try again as a parent.
As we learned from the scriptures cited earlier, we have the responsibility to teach and care for our families. David O. McKay taught, “The home is the first and most effective place to learn the lessons of life: truth, honor, virtue, self-control, the value of education, honest work, and the purpose and privilege of life. Nothing can take the place of home in rearing and teaching children, and no other success can compensate for failure in the home.”
This also brings to mind D&C 121, and how relevant this is to parenthood:
“37 …when we undertake to cover our sins, or to gratify our pride, our vain ambition, or to exercise control or dominion or compulsion upon the souls of the children of men [i.e., our children], in any degree of unrighteousness, behold, the heavens withdraw themselves; the Spirit of the Lord is grieved; and when it is withdrawn, Amen to the priesthood or the authority of that man.
41 No power or influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of the priesthood, only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned;
42 By kindness, and pure knowledge…
43 Reproving betimes with sharpness, when moved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing forth afterwards an increase of love toward him whom thou hast reproved…”
I love the way Dr. Gabor Maté, psychologist, physician and author, put it,
“If we want to discipline our kids, we actually have to make them our disciples. And the disciple is not someone who’s afraid of you, the disciple is somebody who loves you and wants to belong to you and follow you.”
I want to share my profound gratitude for the family — for my family and for our Heavenly Parents who blessed us and trusted us so much that they gave us the opportunity to live in families, with the sacred power of procreation and with our free agency. One of my childhood actor heroes said, “Family is not an important thing, it’s everything.” It is in our families that I have experienced the most joy and have learned the most important lessons as we grow, with everything that that entails, together.