The refining and transformative power of grace
My intention is to share from the heart, and I sincerely pray that the Spirit will make intercession so that the things I write can connect with you in a meaningful way.
I felt impressed to write about Grace, and in particular, about the refining and transformative power of Grace.
Back at the turn of the New Year, Mike and I had a conversation about new years resolutions and rather than come up with a list, we asked each other what our word was for the year — one word that encompassed our intentions and goals for the whole year. It was interesting, when it was my turn to answer, the word “purify” just popped into my head and really resonated. That was definitely my word. And let me tell you, I was kind of scared! I know how easy it is to want to shrink away from the experiences that will refine us. They are uncomfortable. They can be painful. But when we read in Malachi 3:3 we learn a beautiful truth: It reads, “And he shall sit as a refiner and purifier of silver: and he shall purify the sons of Levi, and purge them as gold and silver, that they may offer unto the Lord an offering in righteousness.”
I remember learning about the process of refining silver and being blown away by it — in refining silver, the silversmith needs to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames are hottest so it will burn away all the impurities. The silversmith has to sit there the whole time the silver is being refined, and not only that, but to also keep his eyes on it the entire time. If silver is left even a moment too long in the flames, it will be destroyed. The silversmith knows it’s fully refined when he can see his image reflected in it like a mirror.
This year has indeed been a year of purification by fire. I have never felt more aware of my own weakness. I have never felt more aware of my absolute and complete need for Christ’s help. His Grace is the power by which our weaknesses are transformed into strengths. Christ’s redeeming and strengthening power has the ability to transform us completely, to change our very hearts. This process is miraculous to me. One of my favorite scriptures this year is in Ether 12:27. It reads, “And if men come unto me, I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.”
This verse has taken on new meaning for me this year as I have been given all these experiences that have allowed me to see my weakness. Christ created all things, including us. It says in this verse that He is the one who gives us our weakness. Our weakness is an essential, sacred part of us because it is this weakness that allows us to progress and become like Him. We need to experience opposites and to gain knowledge by our own experience. We need opportunities to use our agency and exercise our faith. This IS the plan. Earning our own salvation, deserving it by our works… that is not the plan that Heavenly Father chose, and it was never intended for us to make it back to Him on our own. I want to share my testimony from my own personal experience that His Grace is sufficient for all our darkness, mistakes, and weakness. Those are opportunities to learn from our own experience the difference between good and evil, bitter and sweet.
It is the redeeming and enabling power of Grace that makes it safe to learn from our own experiences. This opposition is essential to our progress. D&C 122:7 reads, “Know thou my son, that all these things shall give thee experience and be for thy good.” ALL things — not just the lovely, pure, and light things. Our mistakes, our weaknesses, our sins, our flaws, our trials… all of it is essential to our progress, and it is the Savior’s Grace that gives us the power to change and transform through these experiences.
Elder Uchdorf in his Conference address entitled The Gift of Grace says, “But the grace of God does not merely restore us to our previous innocent state. If salvation means only erasing our mistakes and sins, then salvation, as wonderful as it is, does not fulfill the Father’s aspirations for us. His aim is much higher. He wants His sons and daughters to become like Him. With the gift of God’s grace, the path of discipleship does not lead backward; it leads upward.”
This conversion process is slow and hard and is entirely impossible on our own. Some of the trials and challenges we face in mortality seem to drag on to the breaking point. There is a loving purpose behind the times when we need to endure — these long periods of trial and testing allow the changes God would have take place in us to sink in deep and become a very part of our bones and sinews. If our trials were always immediately taken away, then any change would remain surface and cosmetic. He sits as the refiner of silver, and He is watching us every moment of every day. He knows us. He loves us more than we can comprehend. The ultimate point of this conversion process is not so that we will just be worthy to live with God, but so that we will want to. Brad Wilcox said, “The older I get, the more I understand this wonderful plan of redemption, the more I realize that in the final judgement it will not be the unrepentant sinner begging Jesus, “Let me stay”. No, he will probably be saying, “Get me out of here!” Knowing Christ’s character, I believe that if anyone is going to be begging, on that occasion, it would probably be Jesus begging the unrepentant sinner, “Please choose to stay. Please, use my atonement not just to be cleansed, but to be changed so that you want to stay.”
There is no worthiness prerequisite required to access His Grace and help. It’s so interesting how easy it is to feel discouraged when we mess up, and to feel distant from Him, and to feel like in order to pray and be close to Him again, we need to fix ourselves first and then we qualify for His help. I encourage all of us to take a step back in those moments and discern where that voice is coming from. It is a lie. His Grace is sufficient always, especially in our moments of darkness. There is no gap or distance or predetermined sum of good works we much achieve before His loving hand will reach out for us. The truth is, He is with us always. He knows our struggles and weakness like they were His own, because truly He took upon Him our sorrows. You know that diagram that sometimes depicts Grace where there is a little stick figure person representing us down in a hole, and Christ is at the top of the hole and there is a ladder that we have to climb in order to reach Him? I believe it would be more accurate if it showed Christ down in the hole with us, helping us to climb that ladder one step at a time. Why He was willing to descend below all things and how He was able to overcome all things through His Atonement is something my mortal mind will never be able to fully comprehend. The words of the hymn speak the words of my heart, “I stand all amazed at the love Jesus offers me. Confused at the Grace that so fully He proffers me. I tremble to know that for me He was crucified, That for me a sinner he suffered He bled and died. Oh it is wonderful that He should care for me enough to die for me, Oh it is wonderful, wonderful to me.”
Elder Uchtdorf continues, “I marvel to think that the Son of God would condescend to save us, as imperfect, impure, mistake-prone, and ungrateful as we often are. I have tried to understand the Savior’s Atonement with my finite mind, and the only explanation I can come up with is this: God loves us deeply, perfectly, and everlastingly. I cannot even begin to estimate “the breadth, and length, and depth, and height … [of] the love of Christ.”
Grace’s refining and transformative power allows us to actually become like Christ. Not just in theory, but in real life. Our mortal experiences are the classrooms and the word “trial” can suddenly have a positive connotation, like how through conducting a clinical trial allows one to discover truth. The same thing applies in our lives. Our personal trials allow us to discover truth, and to have that truth become a part of us. This process allows us know the Savior in ways we never could otherwise. Our trials bind us to Him, make us aware of how much we need Him, allow us to care about the things He cares about, to see others the way he sees them, to love ourselves the way He loves us, and to do the things He would do.
This internal change is the purpose of our works. As we all know, much is required. But the purpose of the commandments, covenants, and ordinances is not to earn our salvation or to pay the Savior back. The purpose of our works is to change us. Elder Deiter F. Uchdorf said, “Trying to understand God’s gift of grace with all our heart and mind gives us all the more reasons to love and obey our Heavenly Father with meekness and gratitude. As we walk the path of dicipleship, it refines us, it improves us, it helps us to become more like Him, and it leads us back to His presence. The Spirit of our God brings about such a mighty change in us that we have no more disposition to do evil, but to do good continually.”.
Dallin H. Oaks says, “The final judgement is not just an evaluation of a sum total of good and evil acts- what we have done. It is an acknowledgment of the final effect of our acts and thoughts- what we have become.” The commandments, ordinances, and covenants of the gospel are not a list of deposits required to be made in some heavenly account. The gospel of Jesus Christ is a plan that shows us how to become what our Heavenly Father desires us to become.”
I’m grateful for my mortal experiences that teach spiritual truths. One of the first trials I was given in 2015 — my year of purification — happened less than a week after that New Year’s conversation. It uncovered a misbelief that I had held on to most of my life without realizing it. Previously, I did not understand Grace. When I read 2 Nephi 25:23, I misunderstood the phrase “For we know that it is by Grace that we are saved after all we can do.” While I paid lip service to the idea of grace, in my heart I still unwittingly believed the lion’s share of my salvation was on me, and would often feel discouraged and like I was falling short. This experience taught me to a new level how Grace really works in my life and I’m so grateful for this gentle and loving lesson. It has changed my heart forever.
We were still living in New York City at the time and didn’t have a car out there. We relied on the subway and buses to get around, and driving a car was a rare opportunity. We had planned a trip to DC to stay with my sister and her family, and had purchased bus tickets. Our Bishop ended up finding out about our trip and kindly offered us the use of his car since they wouldn’t be needing it. We were so grateful not to be wrestling our 3 kids on a crowded bus, and had an amazing trip. So much more of the city was open to us because of the freedom that car allowed, and we returned to NYC on a high from our awesome time there. Mike parked the car on the street near our building, and the next morning he realized that he had unknowingly parked in a no standing zone. We got a steep parking ticket and were pretty bummed out about it. By the time I was able to connect with the Bishop to let him know about the car and the ticket and return the keys to him, a few hours had gone by. The Bishop and I met up so I could return his keys and pay him back for the ticket, but as we walked up and down the street where Mike had parked the car, it was no where to be seen. We realized to my horror that the car had also been towed. The cost of retrieving a towed car in NYC can be astronomical. The Bishop was so gracious about it — he reassured us that these things happen, and that it was okay. I begged to be able to be the one to deal with it, but it turned out that it had to be him. He had to pay fine at 38th street, get clearance on John street, and pick up the car on 203rd street. It took him all day, waiting in lines, taking public transportation from one end of the island to the other… and I know how busy and overwhelmed he already was before this happened. We were sick about what our mistake cost him. There wasn’t a single thing we could do to fix it ourselves. Even if I had gone to 38th street and John steet and 203rd street and begged them to let me pay the fine, and retrieve the car, the law was the law and there was no exception. Only the bishop could pay because his name was the one associated with the car. I remember so vividly laying on my couch that afternoon, feeling so helpless, feeling desperately how much I wanted to fix the situation myself but I couldn’t. All I could do was allow the Bishop to fix this for us. Suddenly, the lesson became clear. This experience was a type and shadow of the atonement, (it was even the Bishop of all people!) It was incredibly profound. I felt to a new level that day just how much I need the Savior. I am completely helpless without Him. That experience deepened by gratitude, my awareness and my love for the Savior who gladly bore my burdens for me.
Referring back to 2 Nephi 25:23, Elder Uchtdorf says,
“However, I wonder if sometimes we misinterpret the phrase “after all we can do.” We must understand that after does not equal because.
We are not saved because of all that we can do. Have any of us done ALL that we can do? Does God wait until we’ve expended every effort before He will intervene in our lives with his saving grace?
Many people feel discouraged because they constantly fall short. They know firsthand that the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. They raise their voices with Nephi in proclaiming, My soul grieveth because of mine iniquities.
I am certain Nephi knew that the Saviors grace allows and enables us to overcome sin. This is why Nephi labored so diligently to persuade his children and brethren to believe in Christ and be reconciled to God.” After all, that is what we can do! And that is our task in mortality.”
The phrase, “All we can do” doesn’t mean do every thing perfectly all the time. All we can do is repent. And keep turning to the Lord with our broken hearts. I testify that Christ’s grace is sufficient. We are not alone. Even in our darkest, ugliest moments, He is right there and His grace is available. We can learn from all of it, and if we come unto Him and have faith in Him, then He will make weak things become strong unto us. He’s the one who changes us. We just need to let him.
I have felt the refining and transformative power of his Grace in my own life in little things like helping me to function and be cheerful after a sleepless night. I felt it in big things like finding out that we had lost our baby halfway through the pregnancy, two weeks after moving across the country. It is everywhere, all the time. I testify that His Grace is constantly available, and that no experience is too big or too small for it. We are all works in progress, and are in the hands of God who sees far more in us than we can currently see in ourselves. We are their work and their glory, and God’s grace is the tool that allows us to realize our potential.
If anyone out there feels discouraged, distant, or dark, don’t give up. Try to take a step back and see things from an eternal view. Try to see how your current situation is allowing you to learn from your own experiences. Pray for the humility to receive the gift of His amazing Grace. I testify that He is there, in every moment, not cheering us on from the finish line, but actually running with us every step of the way. He loves us and His Grace is sufficient.