Processing pain
In our culture, we as men are so often taught to suppress our emotions. From the time we were little, we’re told to not cry, show no weakness, pain, or fear, suck it up, man up, grow a pair…. As a result, we either numb ourselves with distractions or addictive behaviors, feel down and depressed, or bottle up a lifetime of hurt that tends to explode out of us in vulnerable moments in the form of anger or rage.
Anger, for some reason, is a more socially acceptable emotion to show—perhaps because it is less associated with weakness or vulnerability (which is false).
In this fascinating interview clip, Dr. Gabor Maté and Tim Ferriss dive into the meaning behind our emotions, which are so often tethered to some past hurt or trauma that we never processed in a healthy way. Suppression and repression lead to depression. The antidote for depression is expression.
Life coach Sarah Brewer taught that one of the most powerful and effective tools to help people who struggle with addiction of any kind is simply this: allow yourself to FEEL YOUR FEELINGS. Most forms of numbing or escape are to escape from facing and dealing with our negative emotions and experiences. As Brené Brown put it, “it’s easier to offload our pain than to feel our pain.”
So how do we deal with our pain in healthy ways? Both Brené Brown and Gabor Maté suggest that we get curious about those emotions.
Pema Chodron insightfully taught, “…feelings like disappointment, embarrassment, irritation, resentment, anger, jealousy, and fear, instead of being bad news, are actually very clear moments that teach us where it is that we’re holding back. They teach us to perk up and lean in when we feel we’d rather collapse and back away. They’re like messengers that show us, with terrifying clarity, exactly where we’re stuck. This very moment is the perfect teacher, and, lucky for us, it’s with us wherever we are.”
Along with this curiosity mindset, there are several strategies for processing emotions in healthy ways.
Uninhibited writing. A couple years ago I was having some doubts about my faith, and the repercussions felt like they could be potentially severe. I was nervous to open up to my wife about it because her convictions are so strong. When I eventually did, she encouraged me to write about it and not hold back. I could burn the paper after if I wanted. So I secluded myself and began writing, and as I used that tool to unload all of the doubts, fears, frustrations, an amazing thing began happening inside of me. The tense feelings surrounding these doubts began to ease. I began to feel lighter. The grip of that feeling loosened. The practice didn’t resolve the doubts themselves, but it weakened the power those doubts had in my mental and spiritual well-being. I felt relief and comfortable with moving forward from a place of curiosity rather than fear. Some time later, I was reminded of 2 Nephi 4 and read that passage again from the lens of Nephi using writing as a tool for processing his pain, his fears, his anger, but also his expressions of faith and hope.
Talking about it with a trusted person or therapist. When we open our hearts and share honestly, we free ourselves of a heavy burden, often categorized as shame. Brené Brown teaches that there are three things shame needs to grow: secrecy, silence, and judgment. Shame can’t survive empathy. The principle of confession is a powerful tool in helping us cope with and overcome experiences that may have been a result of our own harmful choices. Confession is not a requirement for a priesthood authority to grant us forgiveness or relief, it is a tool for us to relieve ourselves of the burden of secrecy and shame.
Meditation. With the intention of processing emotion, meditation can be incredibly effective. There are many modalities to explore—a few that have been effective for me are breathwork combined with an intention and prayer, mantra meditation with phrases that are significant to me or that come to mind from the Spirit, lovingkindness meditation with a focus on past relationships that may have caused pain, and visualization meditations imagining my past self in the moment of pain or trauma and offering love, compassion, and comfort, and envisioning Christ entering the space and receiving His grace, power, and healing. Sometimes these types of meditations will result in a cathartic emotional release.
Spending time in nature. Walking, breathing, reflecting, and immersing ourselves in mother nature is an effective tool for processing. Thoughts may wander, but the mind will work through the pain in that serene, inspiring outdoor setting. In my experience, the senses are awakened in nature and bring us into the present moment, insights seem to materialize, and somehow mother nature comforts and soothes us in the quiet moments in her presence.
Related to the previous point, body movement does wonders for the mind. Endorphins and dopamine are released and have proven to be at least as helpful as antidepressant medication for mild to moderate depression. Our mental or emotional pain often has a physical impact on our bodies — moving, exercising, stretching, increasing blood flow can help release some of that pain or tension, and can often accompany emotional releases, led by physical movement. Tension is often held in the neck, shoulders, hips, jaw, lower back, hands, and feet. Exercises like yoga are effective at strengthening our bodies while releasing these tensions associated with our mental and emotional health.
These simple tools have been incredibly effective at helping me work through my own pain and negative emotions — and experience a fuller, richer range of emotion. As Brene Brown said, we can’t selectively numb — if we try to the numb the negative, we numb the positive with it. If we can face our own darkness, process it, accept it, it seems to lose its oppressiveness, and allows the light to shine all the brighter.